Thursday, August 13

like he needs a hole in the head

It's a bit of a lie, this adventure, seeking, experiencing life, thing that I do. Who am I lying to? You, as it makes for wonderful, "seize the day" blog posts. But mostly myself. A defense mechanism to convince myself that I can leave all the people I know and love on the other side of the world, and live in a completely new place. A lie as I say "see you soon" and head into the international airport. A lie as I stroll out to lunch with my coworkers when I am in town for a few weeks, like I would on any day if I'd never moved, and work like I'd never been gone, stop by offices, play some hoops, and fill out a timecard. A lie when I tell myself that there's only what I will gain and nothing to loose.

When I was sweating the details of moving abroad a friend told me not to worry. I would go off and live abroad for a couple of years and when I came back, things would pretty much be the same. The same people would be in their offices, dealing with the same kind of problems. I guess, in many ways, that's absolutely true. But, I have to remember not to count on that so much. Things do change. And sometimes, in very big scary ways. That friend of mine has been dealing with a big fat brain tumor while my back was turned.

Is it going to make me dig in somewhere? Probably not. That would be a lie too. It's just not who I am. But I need to start letting myself feel (and feed) the pull from my loved ones a bit more. If you're a wander, a seeker... you might agree that this is a difficult thing to do.


  1. I'm not a wanderer but I do imagine the feeling of being pulled in different directions when a loved one is facing these kinds of challenges. It is hard to know what to do.

    My thoughts are with you and your friend.

  2. I have a daughter who, I imagine, is much like you. Always wanting the adventure of new places, and yet longing for stability, sameness, the familiar. Difficult choices.

  3. Storm keeps on twisting, keep on building the lies that you make up for all that you don't make no difference, escape one last time. It's easier to believe...
    Sarah McLachlan....your post made me think of that for some reason....

  4. Lovely ! And that was almost like me speaking !

    With wanderlust and discovery running my engines, love and relationships are almost buffeting winds in the masts !

    There is this perpetual struggle. The engine makes a load of noise. And the wind ensures the boat moves hardly a distance.

    All that remains is the roar of the engine, and the smell of spent fuel. And ofcourse, Sometimes, the boat does move. At other times, the eye looks into the water, the skies and such else. And soaks it up !


...and you may ask yourself, did I get here?