Tuesday, May 18

what the hell woman?!?!

I have this little voice in my head that keeps asking me this question. I have a billion thoughts running around and yet I'm resisting the urge to write any of them down here. I think partly because they are not in tune with what I tried to grow with this blog. Partly because they are difficult to face. Maybe also because it just feels like whining and I get enough of that already from my punks. Boils down to moving away from a place I spent so much time falling in love with is hard.

So I need to purge. This isn't going to be beautiful or poetic. I can't get any where near that though without airing things out first. Please excuse the mess.

Our decision to return to the states is based on both rational and emotional reasons. We came here with the understanding that the "worst case scenario" was actually pretty good. We'd get to dive into my husband's culture for a few years and learn Italian. My job was graciously put on hold and my husband's looked like a thrilling adventure. If it bombed, we'd simply move back to a life that we loved in California.

SO that's what's happening. And rationally it's all good. Our tenants in our house in CA happen to be returning to their home country in June, freeing it up in perfect timing for us. Even the stress of uprooting the punks seems to be going reasonably well thus far. Goodbye parties are being planned, friends consoled...

So why am I in such a funk?

I'm realizing that I am much more attached to this life than I imagined. Also, this move seems much more final to me. I dreamed for years and years to live abroad one day. Now I've done it and it's coming to an end. I'll move back to the US, slip back into my job, hike, visit the ocean, garden and eat great Indian food... all things that I loved doing before. Things that I miss. But I'm finding now that I don't want it the way it was before. I want it to be more than that. This experience needs to have changed something about where my life goes from here.

And in recent days I guess I am starting to believe that it will be different because we're different. We'll see things differently and do things in a different way. God I hope so. Otherwise it feels like it was all for nothing.

4 comments:

  1. It's never "all for nothing", Christine. Every experience we have changes us and, hopefully, makes us better, more interesting, people. Your time in Italy will always be a glorious, and very important part of you. - You know this of course, and don't need to hear it from me. Just hold onto it and savor it, as you move on to something else just as wonderful.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You're right, I know this, but am finding a hard time believing it at the moment. I guess I'll just have to welcome the next phase and experience it.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Moving will take a toll on you without you realising it, even when you are happy about it and things seem smooth going.

    Enjoy it Christine. I think the down thoughts and feelings are just temporary.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I always find it very difficult to get back to North American life whenever I've spent time in Europe -- and I've never spent as much time there as you have. Maybe if you don't think of it as a "forever" move? There's nothing to say you can't go back for a long visit or even to live one day, is there? Maybe divide your time between Italy and your home in California somehow?

    ReplyDelete

...and you may ask yourself, well...how did I get here?